house of cards

Technically it’s autumn and October in Hong Kong… there are no leaves falling or turning red in this concrete jungle that I’ve called home for over a year now and it’s certainly not cool enough to break out the trenches.

I am so afraid. I can’t escape it anymore. Maybe afraid isn’t the right word because whatever is causing all these upheavals and downheavals (new word # 345) is not related to death and disease or frogs or lizards. No, it’s this overwhelming sense of uncertainty that never seems to go away.

They always say you should be careful what you wish for. They couldn’t be more right. A long long time ago, I was stuck in boring Singapore in a dead end job that bored me to tears. I then wished for a job that would take me around the world, make me change locations, let me live in supercities like Sydney or London (yes in those days, I didn’t care for the US). I didn’t get that job then. But I did get into business school. And some three years later I got that job. It didn’t pay very much. But I also got a boyfriend, nay, fiancé and I didn’t want that job anymore. It was a veritable crossroads, a catch-22 if you will and contrary to what people say about it always working out in the end, it did not.

So here I am in one heck of a supercity, living life on steroids. It has been utterly amazing so far despite again, ending up in a dead end job. I don’t think I want to leave. Unless leaving and moving to New York are in the same sentence. And even then, I am not entirely convinced because my closest friends have either moved or gotten married or some such.

In a few hours, I have an important meeting that might change the course of my life. Again. But it doesn’t seem like it will change for the better. No, in fact I am expecting one of two pretty rotten choices – unemployment or a rotten job in some rotten city like Madrid that pays literally half of what I make right now.

To be perfectly honest, I really don’t know what I prefer. On the one hand, I owe it to myself and my broken ego to take a fantastic risk, go for broke (no fucking pun intended there) and stay in Hong Kong with the soaring hope that come 1Q12, something wonderful will happen. And I’ll still get to keep all my lovely friends here. On the other, money is better than no money and job is better than no job. Then again, if the meeting goes pear-shaped, I am end up jobless anyway and my ego has all the time in the world to pick itself up from the gutter and reinvent itself.

My attempts at finding a job in New York have been in vain, as have been my attempts at contacting headhunters who are only keen on placing D and MD level people. Life, my dears, is tough. The credit card bill this month is astronomical thanks to all the drinking and eating out. Maybe it’s time to cut back big time. I went to a warehouse sale yesterday that was choc full of gorgeous Alexander McQueen shoes that called to me and I didn’t answer back. Over 250$ even after discount – that might pay a month’s worth of groceries for an unemployed girl, nay?

I keep telling myself that I’ve been through much worse with fewer resources, the only difference being that before I had the support of a then-loving boyfriend and somehow it seemed to make everything better. But that is not to say that mountains cannot be moved by almost-30 single girls. I could easily move all my stuff into storage, move to a pint-sized apartment in the new territories for a mere fraction of my current rent. I reckon my savings could sustain me for 3-6 months. Maybe I could do some odd jobs as well. You know I almost gave English tuitions to Japanese housewives when I lived in Singapore? Who is to say that I can’t find vocations like that here in Honkers?

I guess my point is that when the going gets tough…. The tough write lofty blog posts to psyche themselves into believing that nothing is impossible.